DO NO HARM, TAKE NO SHIT
Something to live by, this week in happiness
Hello reader, I hope you had a good start to the year and that you do no harm and don’t take any shit. But Is this idea more than just a bumper sticker philosophy and how can you apply this idea to your life?
Bumper sticker Philosophy
Do no harm is self-explanatory, we've learned since we were toddlers that we shouldn't hit other people or call them names. It's a good thing that we are small then because that's when most of us are at our most violent. As we get older and grow out of that stage, we learn to treat others the way we want to be treated.
But so often what follows is boundaryless kindness (which sounds nice, ngl). But many of you know what that means. It means an inability to say no, it means trying to be everything to everyone but yourself, and it means chasing. I know what that state is like and it is exhausting.
To tell you a story about what I mean, I was talking to this girl who kept giving me signals of what I interpreted as interest. We went for walks, we texted a lot, all the classic situationship stuff. But I felt like I kept putting myself out there and getting rejected. The effort just wasn't being returned. I was making myself miserable, as I often do, by tying way too much of my daily well-being to what was going on in a situation that I couldn't tell if I was imagining. I remember talking to a friend about it and she said something along the lines of, "You're worth more than that”.
That's it, somebody can only do something to you if you let them. Really, I was the one who was chasing after that bullshit measure of my worth and suffering for it. The second part of maturing, which is still in progress, is learning that it is okay to expect others to treat you the way you want to be treated. If they don't, it's okay and that doesn't reflect on your worth, but you don't have to take it. It's learning what is irrelevant that we can let pass, where to set boundaries, how to enforce those boundaries, and when to walk away.
This idea is echoed in the Buddhist idea of a strong back and a soft front, as explained by Buddhist teacher Roshi Joan as follows:
“All too often our so-called strength comes from fear, not love; instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine. In other words, we walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence. If we strengthen our backs, metaphorically speaking, and develop a spine that’s flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that’s soft and open, representing choiceless compassion. The place in your body where these two meet—strong back and soft front—is the brave, tender ground in which to root our caring deeply.”
Strong back: take no shit
soft front: do no harm
How do you set and communicate these boundaries in a powerful way?
Some advice from UC Davis:
Respect
Respect yourself and the relationship enough to communicate your needs.
Honesty
If you're not comfortable with something, it's okay to say no, and saying no to someone else is saying yes to yourself. Tell someone when they cross a boundary, tell them how it makes you feel, as much as you want to.
Judgement
Recognize when someone is doing something accidentally vs. on purpose, be kind but firm when you act. If their behavior doesn’t change, change yours and don’t spend time with them.
That's all for this week
Better vibes exercise:
Put on your own Oxygen mask first and only then can you help others.
A guided meditation on the the idea of the article
5 harsh truths that you probably need to hear
The drunken driver has the right of way poem
https://www.reddit.com/r/Poetry/comments/nyszfj/poem_the_drunken_driver_has_the_right_of_way_by/